|Standardized Guide to the Bases Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got tosecond base!"Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was secondbase? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, thebases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's aperson to do?Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describesexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages intodays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringingbaseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romanceand with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to theBases.First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. --First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guyI knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tonguekissing and sometimes not.--Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, oroutside the clothes genital contact.--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or yourpartner.--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached inthe times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressedsex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enterthe equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions?Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present withoutfurther ado... Standardized Guide to the Bases!--On Deck- Having plans for a date--Strike-Out- Duh!!--Walk- Kissing--Bunt- Masturbation--Single- Tongue kissing--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex--Home Run- SEX!--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom--Error- Condom breaks during sex--Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom--Hall of Fame- Marriage Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms tobetter explain all the things that can happen now a days.--Balk- Premature ejaculation--Pine Tar- KY jelly--Relief pitcher- Vibrator--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly--Box Seats- Waterbed--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions--Rookie- Virgin--Minor Leagues- Under 18--Loaded Bases- manage a trois--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours--Foul tip- VD--Three up and three down- impotencyNow that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrastthe old confusion with current clarity.OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got likepast third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside thepark home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call ina relief pitcher.Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot ofthe confusion and helps you out.I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America's favorite pastime!Douglas K. Blystone---------------------------------------------------------------------------Rule 2.Section3.The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point notspecifically covered in the rules.