| Preparation for ParenthoodPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books anddecorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parentsto take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being amother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick abeanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip thecontents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist tohelp himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salarypaid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper andread it for the last time.2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoare already parents and berate them about their methods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, andhow they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways inwhich they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilettraining, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be thelast time in your life that you will have all of the answers.3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep,get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put thealarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.Look cheerful.4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanutbutter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish fingerbehind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers inthe flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains withcrayons. How does that look?5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy anoctopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the stringbag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - allmorning.6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotchtape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take amilk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffsand make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, youhave just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leaveit out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't looklike that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glovecompartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassetteplayer. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them downthe back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.There!, Perfect!8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Goout the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walkvery slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutelyevery cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and deadinsect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had asmuch as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you.Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to trytaking a small child for a walk.9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing youcan find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. Ifyou intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buyyour week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Payfor everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easilyaccomplish this do not even contemplate having children.11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it fromthe ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggyFroot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon bypretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loopsare gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of itfalls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, SesameStreet and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourselfsinging "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualifyas a parent. |
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